Backyard door popped off, sanding and painting.

100% Real, Fake Doors.

Well well well, look who it is, loyal blog reader, home improvement aficionado, or person with too much free time on your hands. It has been a long time since I’ve posted anything and that’s probably because I neglected to pay for my hosting, had the site taken down, and nearly lost all of my content. Thanks OBAMA.

Just because I haven’t posted anything, doesn’t mean I’ve been sitting around watching re-runs of Gilligan’s Island. I’ve been riding short waves of productivity, followed by long, drawn-out periods of abject laziness, and I have a few more articles up my sleeve, so assuming I don’t get bored with this blog again (which I will), those may be rolling out over the next couple of weeks.

As for the first new entry of the current blog generation, we’ll call it 2.0.1, here is a collection of my adventures with replacing or refurbishing all of the doors in my house. We’ll call it 100% real, fake doors, which is something I made up completely on my own, that is an original thought.

Most of you probably remember my first landmark entry into the world of door rehab, titled lumber and the red pepper, which documented my foolish but ultimately adequate attempts at refinishing my front door. Following that resounding success, I slowly ripped out and replaced all of the interior doors in my house, starting downstairs with the door to the garage, the half bathroom, and the closet. Naturally, the best part of any project is buying tools, and to help me with cutting and framing all of these fancy new doors, I dropped a few sheckles on a compound mitre saw and stand.

New swag, with ready to be installed doors hanging out against the rack.

As for the door to the garage, I went with a hollow core steel door, this provides some degree of fire resistance, should my car decide to explode and try to murder me in my sleep. For the rest of the interior doors, I went with hollow-core, molded doors. These are a nice compromise between traditional hollow-core doors, which are flimsier than Trump’s toupee, but not quite as robust (and expensive) as solid core doors. Most of the doors came painted, but the door to the garage required some painting, I slapped a half-assed tape job on it and hit it with some high gloss pure white paint.

Door to the garage mid-paint. Yeah, I didn’t put a drop cloth down, sue me.

The first task after prepping the doors was to rip out all of the old, shitty doors, casings, and jambs. For the most part, this wasn’t too bad except for the thousands of nails that tried to jump out of the wood and murder me. The general approach to removing these was to start by popping the casings or moldings off, and then kick the door out of the jamb with a flying roundhouse a la Chuck motherfucking Norris.

Fuck this pile of old, shitty doors in particular.

Just so you get a better idea of what I’m dealing with, in my house there are six doors downstairs, and eight doors upstairs. By my calculations, that’s a shitload of doors. The going rate for these molded doors, new hardware, and new casings was about $350 each, so this was not an inexpensive project. I will spare you another 5,000 words and images for the removal of each and every one of these, since if you’ve made it this far already you’re either my mom or a really good sport, and you could use a snack.

Here’s the new garage door up, and the old bathroom and closet doors ripped out.

Important note, when replacing exterior doors, it’s a good idea to hit the jamb with some expanding spray foam for insulation. More important note, don’t use so much fucking expanding foam insulation that you have to sand off the excess that poured through every fucking crack in the casing and fucked up your perfectly hanged door. Speaking of hanging doors, this used to be a miserable project; hanging doors required shims, levels and all sorts of “experience”, “care”, and “attention to detail” that I don’t fucking have. Luckily someone invented a thing called EZ Hang, which makes the process like 99% easier, so even retards like me can do it.

Now just imagine that process repeated about 14 times, with all of the associated demolition, painting, and hanging that would accompany that sort of effort. By the time I got upstairs, I was pretty good at hanging doors, but I guess that’s pretty much the same with everything I did in this house. In addition to replacing most of the interior doors, I also just recently finished fixing up the exterior door to the backyard. This proved to be way more work than I initially thought it would be, but that’s just another one of the joys of home ownership.

As this door was also an exterior, hollow-core steel door like the front, I decided to completely remove it from the frame for prep work. I popped the hinges and took the thing into the garage for sanding. I carefully (fucking not carefully) covered up the glass, and then sanded down the whole thing. Once I had it sanded down, and the original paint spread evenly accross my garage and lungs (use a mask, kids), it was time for paint. I used the same high-gloss white that I have been using on the doors and trim, and applied two thick coats.

If you paint over door hinges, you’ve brought disgrace to yourself, your family and your unborn children.

I forgot to take some before pictures of this door, but it looked like shit, just take my word for it. I still need to do some caulking and painting of the casing, but you can’t tell from my garbage cell phone camera anyway.

The finished product.

Well, that’s it for today, stay tuned for more boring shitposts about my stupid house, or don’t, whatever. If you enjoyed reading this garbage, then feel free to subscribe.

Tune in next time for such exciting home improvement articles like: Overhauling the garage, yard stuff, and redoing the foyer (pronounced foy-yay, you savage).